You Big Fatty

Heath and lifestyle blog for people who struggle with KFC, cigarettes and booze

Month: February, 2014

How to live to 100 years old

how to live to 100

My cutlery is all over the floor and I’m struggling with life. Boohoo. While a good whinge is necessary, I cannot condone this behaviour in this health and fitness blog. I may have spilt the office cutlery all over the floor but I did what every good colleague does, scoop it up and put it back in the awkward cupboard. I have a vague understanding of germ exposure which is if you don’t get it from a whore its ok. In a constant effort to fight against the rising water of bad habits, is the solution as easy as stuffing them back in the draw? and simply not mentioning them at lunch when everyone is eating? Can we keep our heads above the dirty water of self-destruction by simply not paying attention to it? We have all heard of such and such’s uncle that smoked and drank and lived to a hundred, did he just not read ‘Mens Health’ magazine? Modern humans have an enormous uncategorised ocean of health information with data being presented with whomever is on the top of the google ant heap, but who is correct? Who has the right answers when urban legend and water-cooler facts are taken for gospel? All I found on the subject was some dull blog with flowers.

My advice for life is; enjoy it. Avoid negative thoughts, if you worry about life or google sickness and even speak about sickness you will probably end up sick. Focus on a calmer mind by taking deep breaths and think about kittens and puppies. Do good Karma things just because. Don’t talk negatively about people or anything if you can. Don’t sweat the small things. If you get lost driving or take a wrong turn try and look around to enjoy the journey. Traffic jams are music appreciation time. If you eat the junk food relish it. If you eat good food relish it. If you get to eat, relish it. Jog for fun. Pat stray animals. Never live a week without skipping if only for a few moments. Elevator rides are fun and a good chance to meet people. Push the alarm button for a second, I dare you. Read celebrity gossip to instead of the news. Politics are boring and the best opinion should be is more free stuff. Not many 100 year olds skylark so if you make it that far get a mega phone and do blockies with the grand kids and tell the world what you think. Don’t win arguments for the sake of the argument, getting fired up about things just isn’t worth it. Tell people off for texting and driving, it’s no cool and it kills cyclists. Don’t be racist, the people you are being rude about may become the people you will rely on, love, donate their blood/organs, be a one night stand or even send you valentine cards – so get comfortable with it.  Avoid work by under capitalising. You don’t need new things or personal debt. Buy investment properties rather than pay your own home off. Be loud. Whisper sleazy comments at the same sex and if you are gay whisper sleazy things to everyone. Imagine when you are drinking water that the water is flushing your system out. When someone has a booger let them know by saying ‘you have a bat in your cave’. Masturbate often. If you can, give piggy back rides.  Hand in lost items. If you find a telephone always call the last person dialled to return it and always read the messages and look at the pictures. Name your car. If you ride public transport wash your hands as much as possible. Wash your hands as much as possible. Try using baby wipes when you go to the bathroom, it will change your life. Get swept up in fads, celebrities and local developments. Talk about things you know nothing about. Ride a bike whenever you can. Never speak over people. Don’t listen to everyone all the time, take some time to tune out. Draw things on post it notes. Put confetti in letters, never put glitter in envelopes. Dance every day. Avoid sticky tap. Open doors for people. In your life time you should put your face into a whole cake and eat you way out. Quit your job if it hurts your feelings. Never be scared of things that won’t kill you. Learn how to use excel. Draw what you want to say on paint, cut and paste it into a email and send it to your boss. Make origami. Karaoke is an important part of human development, don’t miss out. If you are feeling bad say 10 things good about life. Draw on people with pen any chance you can. Tell women they look good. Tell men they look good. Go out without your telephone for dinner. Like peoples facebook status’s as much as possible. If you haven’t already done this, get a fire extinguisher from a car park, pull the pin out and squeeze the trigger, do it now. Use too many politesse’s as a game, “Hello, can I please have a can of coke. Thankyou, have a great day. Goodbye”. Frolic. Picture message (MMS) as much as possible. Draw penis’s over newspapers. Don’t be offended as much as possible. Simulate sucking dick whenever possible. Scream whenever possible. Don’t care what people think. Swim in water as much as possible. Go to theme parks. When monopoly gets boring pick up the board and poor it over the people you are playing. Watch kids cartoons. Put your finger in weird places to see what it feels like. Doodle. Urinate from heights. Play snap. Stab things with knifes. Set fire small things. Work on your door knock. Give up now and then. Get drunk and talk to strangers on planes. Enjoy being shuffled through processes out of your control. Be nice to waitress/ers. Be nice to everyone and don’t expect to be thanked for it. Negotiate whenever possible. Throw books and paper pads at your friends. Don’t be serious. If you ever watering with a hose turn it on whoever you can. Always keep toilet paper, a towel, swimming costume and a jumper in the back of your car. Ring any bell you can get your hands on. Pick flowers. Always eat popcorn at the movies. Print things in A3 once in a while, the oversized documents make things more fun. Never buy wireless mouses or keyboards, they suck. Don’t wear g-strings if you are a man and if you are female seriously consider not wearing g-strings. Make fun day goals. Sit in small chairs. Put unusual things on your head. Own at least one wig. Take before and after photos. Break rules. Read out loud on long car trips. Stupid things are usually fun things. Flickering florescent lights is gods way of saying “disco”, so beat box and dance. Choose your favourite everything and be ok with changing your mind. Try weird food. Put anything that fits up your nose. Open the CD tray on your computer as much as possible. Play skill testers. Buy lotto tickets too dream. Gamble $20 maximum. Prank people at any chance you can. Don’t follow Ashton what’s his name on twitter. Write on the furniture with pencil. Learn to touch type. Create wind tunnels in your car by winding down all the windows on the freeway for fun. Ride shopping trollies. Eat at the Ikea restaurant. Keep weird things in your glove box to surprise passengers. Do yoga as much as possible. Prank call as an adult. Get excited about everything you can. Take a sick day when you’re not sick. Get outside any chance you can. Drink alcohol. Throw a television off a balcony at least once in your life time. Don’t tidy your hotel room. Enjoy being rained on, your hair isn’t that important. Write letters to companies letting them know if you enjoy their products. Generally play with things. Wear costumes at any chance. Express yourself. Google Nikola Tesla. Avoid Russia. Break things in supermarkets from time to time. Put other peoples shoes on. Get comfortable being naked and go to a nude beach. Get a great tan by always wearing sunscreen. Bomby into pools. Take as many selfies as possible. Be ok with bad photos of yourself. Join Instagram. Honk your horn for no reason. Hide in your house and wait to scare your housemate, friends, lovers, parents or animals. Watch your pets when they don’t know you are looking. Sit on the washing machine whenever you can. Talk into fans. Unnecessarily push buttons. Learn to do a burn out and do rad skids on your push bike. Try and walk past dog parks. Get comfortable farting around people. Eat psyllium husk daily. Eat out of the jar or packet. Eat over the sink. Eat in the car. Dine in at fast food outlets. Go to Costco. Shower before bed. Jump on beds. Sms a stranger and see what comes back. Knock and run. Learn to cook eggs anyway. Quit smoking. Hoola hoop. Bounce any ball possible. Send good vibes out. Pray for your friends and family. Love the shit out of your lover. Lie when necessary. Avoid lying. Collect sea shells. Don’t kill bugs. Flick the lights on and off. Avoid Apple products. Whiteboards are for fun not for business. Eat potato. Write letters to people. Stamp things with stamps that aren’t supposed to be stamped. Learn things about stuff. Eat hummus. Don’t be a hater. Don’t rock the boat don’t rock the boat baby. Take as many pictures as possible. Buy a Voss water bottle for work and home and reuse it. Master glad wrap. Look after people. Get plastic surgery if you want to. If you don’t fit in jeans do everything you can to lose weight. Get dirty now and then. Avoid heroin. Don’t hate on iceberg lettuce. Have a whale of a time. Laugh. Don’t stress out about not enjoying life.

Please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments below.

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Why McDonald’s is going out of business

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Today I discovered that Brandon Park Shopping Centre McDonald’s is shutting down. This tough news was delivered with a large Big Mac meal with extra Mac sauce and a Coke, the milkshake machine was out of order today,  much like the staff that worked on the other side of the counter. I asked the girl behind the counter, “what next? Are you going to work at Suki Sushi next door?”, her awkward piggy tail face said, she and her fellow colleagues had the choice to be relocated but didn’t disclose her future plans, I forget that to her I could possibly be a potential sex predator with a thirst for special sauce.  Failing to extract details of Miss Pig Tail’s career plans I probed into how could this food outlet could possibly be closing down, in a nation of growing fatties how could this happen? apparently there wasn’t enough customers to make it a success. Broken hearted I ate my lunch finished up with a selfie to mark this milestone and followed up with a phone call to the shop to ask if I could buy the remainder of the Mac Sauce. They said no.

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Who was the cold blooded murder of this franchise? Was it poor management? What is the overheads of the McDonald’s institution itself tearing down the walls like a big mac without mac sauce?

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I briefly investigated what it takes to become a franchisee but Catriona Noble (below left) the Franchise Managing Director’s tight fisted photograph turned me off. Surely someone who truly enjoys McDonald’s can’t be thin and moderately attractive, unlike Frank Meduri who has devoted 20 years over 4 Franchises. Maybe I could be a franchisee, further investigation on this matter became boring and very expensive and yet the dream of one day being aroused, naked and covered in Mac Sauce kept me going. According to the table it is only going to cost me around $2.3 million to fulfil this dream, that’s Tokyo billionaire business man sexual hedonism. Say that three times to guy sitting next to you and you may get lucky.

Will I rebuild? I’m not sure. Is this a good thing? Probably… but where am I going to go when I hate myself? The guy from Eastern Chinese Cuisine didn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom, but do I need that kind of abuse? Today I had to stop using my regular business belt and upsize, then I had to change my shirt before morning tea because it didn’t fit anymore. I now have 5 more notches on my belt and I want to get value for money. Is this obsession gone too far? I am taking a month of lifting weights to re-centre my vagina by doing yoga as much as possible, should I focus on more rapid movements and smaller meal quantities? I have been a day without cigarettes, I’m already overwhelmed. During a natural disaster first they take away the danger then look for a solution to piece together the devastated area.

Update, tonight’s new yoga class the 70 year old lady was cleaning out the classes genitals and referred to everyone’s ovaries and my testes. 1 to 10 ratio awkward.

Reasons why i’m never doing a body balance class again

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Oh my fucking god, what just happened? I have woken up Monday hung-over from Thursday night. I seemed to have fallen off the wagon and down the face of a mountain. What little self-control I had, has disappeared and gone. Thursday I drank 4 cocktails, 3 pints of beer and a very strong Vodka orange. So not the worst night but we hit it hard, I did have a great time. Friday rocks around and we are back on the cigarettes full time. I can’t smoke them fast enough. In fact during my debaucheries I smoked 4 packs in 4 days. I was then greeted by Saturday where I drank a mojito every 5 minutes then moved to beer with wet pussy chasers. I thought I was pretty rad until the trip home included a large Big Mac Meal, 2nd in 2 days, then my trip to the bathroom, 3 Big Mac meals in 2 days.

I go to a community gym for the great prices, location, and the sign asking people not to spit or read the paper in the sauna. In an effort to reclaim my focus and align my chakras, today I wanted to do some yoga.  I wanted Yoga to make me feel like when you eat a salad for lunch after eating a few McMuffins for breakfast and get the hotcakes just for the taste. The issues with yoga began when they called it body balance. The class was held in the crèche on the same carpet that dynamic parents leave their kids to piss on for only $44 a month. There were no mats unless you brought your own. Looking around the room I notice there was a few more men that the usual 10 to 1 ratio, they weren’t the usual guys either. These guys had shoes on and they had a Lynx deodorant vibe rather than a Patchouli crystal earth deodorant vibe, which I’m use to and like. Then the sweating explanation walked in, hair wet and shaggy, her fine physique was perfectly complemented with athletic cans, appropriate beads of sweat and pants so tight I could see her who ha. Jennifer Beals eat your minge out.

The class began with some dramatic tai chi movements. I feel I had a natural flow to this ancient exercise, granted there were no mirrors. Then we moved to a little yoga and my first ever experience with Pilates. I don’t like Pilates. I gave it a shot but my dick called me a pussy, I had my legs up in the air, vibrating my arms and then banging them on floor. My dick was right, so I lay on the floor until the feeling of awkward was over. Meditation time came around and all I could do was ruining everyone’s good time by coughing up my weekend. I thought so myself. I am dying. These smokes are killing me. And yet all I was to do is smoke more.

I am all for yoga but this blend can go and pull its Lululemon pants out of it’s vagina.

Kind Regards,

You big fatty.

under construction

caution

 

Hi guys, I’m hungover and reviewing yesterday’s rushed post. Unless you are going to be bringing me KFC i don’t want to hear about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZmDWltBziM Read the rest of this entry »

Feeling time at the zoo.

Now that Mary the fattest lady ever on Australian Biggest Loser pleaded to be gone in a red faced, tear filled, emotional elimination – we can all take the rest of the week off and breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve only been to the gym once this week and I feel my personal journey won’t cease to a halt like poor Mary. If Mary’s experience has only taught us one thing being that Shannon may be able to push you up a hill but your personal hill is in fact a mountain with a complicated VPL. Giving up isn’t easy, So well done, you made one of your biggest life decisions in an oversized blue t-shirt purchased by a bunch of smug television executives. You’re going to die while Commando fucks Michelle Bridges and the viewing public wonders who’s the next fatty to fall off the treadmill?

So cheers Mary!

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Feelings and feeding ceremonies are the very similar. Some feelings leave a bad taste in your mouth. Some food hurts your feelings. You can always dress up a meal of tongue with a brain mousse garnished with fish row with a table cloth, nice china and some Chrisofle silver, you will pay good money for that, if you are into fine dining. Same goes with eating KFC driving in your car in your pajamas, It’s a good feeling.

If you switch the context and serve the tongue and brain mousse in a public toilet you will feel sick. Furthermore if you paid 50 clams for KFC and are expected to eat it with a knife and fork the experience will be soured. When people are in a bad mood it is ok to serve but efforts should be made for the sake of formalities to dress it up. Mary would want it that way.

Blame it on the delicious

Yesterday was a complicated day. No exercise, no calorie counting and most of all one of the most spectacular lamb roast I have ever eaten.

After a hard day in the office and viewing what can only be described and macabre human misfortune by way of inappropriate email, I left the office felling someone unsettled with a loss of appetite. My southern European threshold had me pinned against the proverbial wall. Crestfallen and delirious with shock I forgot to pick up the mineral water on the way home. My drama-o-meter was off the scale with the needle smashed through the glass and stabbed into a main artery while the eagles circled waiting for me to eventually lose the strength to fight them off.

Meanwhile – roast time.

This roast was prepared the following way. (I had nothing to do with the preparation). A lamb shoulder was plucked from the butcher angels, then salted from flakes collected from ancient waterways, oregano that was played the most complex classical music, pepper, olive oil pressed individually by a salt bush and corn fed Nona and finally a 6 lemons bought from a supermarket floor. These ingredients where massaged over previously wooly beauty and during this process we heard the lamb murmur softly and carmly from beyond the abattoir, “bahh”. Following this lenghty process the meat was cooked in a cast iron pot enclosed in the BBQ slowly over a blip of a flame for 3-4 hours until amazing. The chef then added lambs best friend – the potato, cooked with lemon and oregano and a side of greek salad.

After the day’s shock the last thing I felt like was meat. The savage nature of eating the flesh of nature’s creation only made my mind refer back to the previous day’s imagery. I managed however to put these thoughts aside and enjoy was can only be described as god’s gift. I’m not a holy man but thank you, amen sister!happy lamb

What I did realise was when food is amazing and when shared over a table with great company, all bad thoughts and food guilt melt away. Our bodies are designed for pleasure which makes me think that limiting these pleasures is working against our designer’s intensions. While common belief is that we eat food to survive, have sex to procreate, get cuddled to release endorphins then why did we get a brain that understands this. We are clever enough to realise that these satisfactions are good for the soul and comprehend to some extent that our time is limited and abstract. Then why do we try and hold back? Not eating this roast would be a crime, even if it does takes you another few days from having a perfect six pack. You can’t enjoy your own a six pack in the face?

If food can bring us back from the depths of depravity and make us feel good can you really afford to get in the dumps about emotional eating? We like to tell ourselves that we are complicated and yet happiness is derived from such simplistic pleasures.

Don’t eat peanut butter at people

peanut butter Yesterday I managed to consume 3040 calories. It was a better day. Finishing the night with two gin martini’s a couple of darts and finding myself at a loss using the My Fitness Pal application to find my liquid nitrogen Tira-miss-you ice-cream.

What I discovered from Monday was after eating my salad for lunch drenched in olive oil (good for the heart), balsamic glaze (good for the glaze), and sesame oil (good for international relationships), was I’d left myself hungry. I went into food rage, searching for whatever resource available. All I had at hand was peanut butter. Lunch shifted to provocative gestures between me, the spoon and the  licking of the peanut butter at the polite Filipino girl in the office. I got awkward and did what anyone does and ask “is this gross” as an extension of an olive branch to normalise my behaviour. Her words said its fine but the body language was like when you try and force a guinea pig to love the shit out of your face as a child. Fear, discussed and the urge to move on quickly.

Failing to satisfy myself with only peanut butter from the 1.4kg jar, I slinked across the road for a small mc cheeseburger meal where I sat by myself away from the eyes of my colleagues.

Following the days caloric food intake I took myself to the pool to ‘smash out some laps’ (8 laps completed) realising it’s been a year of consistently weight lifting at the gym and not having the body I had expected – I have decided to move to cardio. The disturbing thing about sharing a public pool is the level of mental control you need to block out that you are actually swimming in a pool of mainly water, sweat, shit, pubic hair, piss, blood, scabs and mystery flavour. I had made it past this mental obstacle by assuring myself that filters and chemicals are amazing only to have my attention diverted by a question in my mind, ”do middle aged ball bellied men look fit when wet in speedos?” It is easy to assume anyone with that much body confidence to jam their junk into a cock jock must have dedication and stamina. They have age on their side which is a trophy of time to apply themselves to consistency in the pool. Is this the sign of an athlete? Or is a wet body like a car commercial where they can make an affordable Asian import look sporty?

Irrespective of these sporty, wet Asian affordable middle age men I gave it my best and discovered myself dizzy from hyperventilating then having to avoid quick balancing manoeuvres out of the pool. That would never happen in a car commercial.

Exercise is a challenge and many other bloggers speak about pain, commitment and determination. I feel the challenges lie in what floats by in the swimming pools of our minds when we are wearing nothing but budgie smugglers and what gets stuck. Do you have what it takes to find satisfaction in your physical abilities? Or are you seeking peanut butter or something else and is it really worth looking for?

Another day another dog to cuddle then eat

Dogs can be slimming if you hold them in front of you.

Hi potential readers … I have created this blog to sell more hamburgers track my own journey to the gun show. The reason why I thought I should join the cavalcade of bloggers with ripped abs, twin identical brothers, Jenifer Hawkins and sports bra’s is because while the information is helpful it misses the point. KFC is awesome, McDonalds Big Mac’s were put here by god and smoking cigarettes and boozing is fun. We have lifestyles that get us out, on the streets, throws a beer into your hands and all you can do is run loose spitting your kebab over your mates.

I am a 31 year old male, weighing in at 108kgs. I am 194cm tall. I eat a lot of food.

I work in client liaison for a company that provides property investment portfolios to people with the objective to build wealth for retirement. During my training I had to sit with one of the consultants and he spent an hour explaining and asking me various questions regarding my retirement plan. When asked how much money I wanted when I retire I said – do I really want to live that long? Rather than work toward a retirement plan can’t we use our money on alcohol, delicious fatty food and nicotine? Surely that will relieve the tax payers having to support pensioners. Why do we want to live so old anyways? Surely they should drop the price of cigarettes and booze and support high fat and salted food? – He saw my point.

Is health and fitness all about prolonging our lives before inevitable incontinence gets us? Or is it about looking and feeling great? Because I know when I’m drunk in a freshly ironed shirt I feel and look great.

Regardless I shook off this flight of fancy and realigned my thoughts. I’m going to be fit and healthy. In this blog I am going talk about food and fitness to some extent and the rest my day to day activities. How with all the vices and luxuries people like us indulge, fail and rebuild to continue to feel overwhelmed by fads, fun runs, superfoods, calorie counting, surprising facts, strippers and general sky larking.

Bring it internet.

Ps. Im a bad speller. If this takes off I expect a lesson in spelling rather than a correction. No body likes a smart arse. So take that on board and maybe people will like you more or at least hate you less.