My cutlery is all over the floor and I’m struggling with life. Boohoo. While a good whinge is necessary, I cannot condone this behaviour in this health and fitness blog. I may have spilt the office cutlery all over the floor but I did what every good colleague does, scoop it up and put it back in the awkward cupboard. I have a vague understanding of germ exposure which is if you don’t get it from a whore its ok. In a constant effort to fight against the rising water of bad habits, is the solution as easy as stuffing them back in the draw? and simply not mentioning them at lunch when everyone is eating? Can we keep our heads above the dirty water of self-destruction by simply not paying attention to it? We have all heard of such and such’s uncle that smoked and drank and lived to a hundred, did he just not read ‘Mens Health’ magazine? Modern humans have an enormous uncategorised ocean of health information with data being presented with whomever is on the top of the google ant heap, but who is correct? Who has the right answers when urban legend and water-cooler facts are taken for gospel? All I found on the subject was some dull blog with flowers.
My advice for life is; enjoy it. Avoid negative thoughts, if you worry about life or google sickness and even speak about sickness you will probably end up sick. Focus on a calmer mind by taking deep breaths and think about kittens and puppies. Do good Karma things just because. Don’t talk negatively about people or anything if you can. Don’t sweat the small things. If you get lost driving or take a wrong turn try and look around to enjoy the journey. Traffic jams are music appreciation time. If you eat the junk food relish it. If you eat good food relish it. If you get to eat, relish it. Jog for fun. Pat stray animals. Never live a week without skipping if only for a few moments. Elevator rides are fun and a good chance to meet people. Push the alarm button for a second, I dare you. Read celebrity gossip to instead of the news. Politics are boring and the best opinion should be is more free stuff. Not many 100 year olds skylark so if you make it that far get a mega phone and do blockies with the grand kids and tell the world what you think. Don’t win arguments for the sake of the argument, getting fired up about things just isn’t worth it. Tell people off for texting and driving, it’s no cool and it kills cyclists. Don’t be racist, the people you are being rude about may become the people you will rely on, love, donate their blood/organs, be a one night stand or even send you valentine cards – so get comfortable with it. Avoid work by under capitalising. You don’t need new things or personal debt. Buy investment properties rather than pay your own home off. Be loud. Whisper sleazy comments at the same sex and if you are gay whisper sleazy things to everyone. Imagine when you are drinking water that the water is flushing your system out. When someone has a booger let them know by saying ‘you have a bat in your cave’. Masturbate often. If you can, give piggy back rides. Hand in lost items. If you find a telephone always call the last person dialled to return it and always read the messages and look at the pictures. Name your car. If you ride public transport wash your hands as much as possible. Wash your hands as much as possible. Try using baby wipes when you go to the bathroom, it will change your life. Get swept up in fads, celebrities and local developments. Talk about things you know nothing about. Ride a bike whenever you can. Never speak over people. Don’t listen to everyone all the time, take some time to tune out. Draw things on post it notes. Put confetti in letters, never put glitter in envelopes. Dance every day. Avoid sticky tap. Open doors for people. In your life time you should put your face into a whole cake and eat you way out. Quit your job if it hurts your feelings. Never be scared of things that won’t kill you. Learn how to use excel. Draw what you want to say on paint, cut and paste it into a email and send it to your boss. Make origami. Karaoke is an important part of human development, don’t miss out. If you are feeling bad say 10 things good about life. Draw on people with pen any chance you can. Tell women they look good. Tell men they look good. Go out without your telephone for dinner. Like peoples facebook status’s as much as possible. If you haven’t already done this, get a fire extinguisher from a car park, pull the pin out and squeeze the trigger, do it now. Use too many politesse’s as a game, “Hello, can I please have a can of coke. Thankyou, have a great day. Goodbye”. Frolic. Picture message (MMS) as much as possible. Draw penis’s over newspapers. Don’t be offended as much as possible. Simulate sucking dick whenever possible. Scream whenever possible. Don’t care what people think. Swim in water as much as possible. Go to theme parks. When monopoly gets boring pick up the board and poor it over the people you are playing. Watch kids cartoons. Put your finger in weird places to see what it feels like. Doodle. Urinate from heights. Play snap. Stab things with knifes. Set fire small things. Work on your door knock. Give up now and then. Get drunk and talk to strangers on planes. Enjoy being shuffled through processes out of your control. Be nice to waitress/ers. Be nice to everyone and don’t expect to be thanked for it. Negotiate whenever possible. Throw books and paper pads at your friends. Don’t be serious. If you ever watering with a hose turn it on whoever you can. Always keep toilet paper, a towel, swimming costume and a jumper in the back of your car. Ring any bell you can get your hands on. Pick flowers. Always eat popcorn at the movies. Print things in A3 once in a while, the oversized documents make things more fun. Never buy wireless mouses or keyboards, they suck. Don’t wear g-strings if you are a man and if you are female seriously consider not wearing g-strings. Make fun day goals. Sit in small chairs. Put unusual things on your head. Own at least one wig. Take before and after photos. Break rules. Read out loud on long car trips. Stupid things are usually fun things. Flickering florescent lights is gods way of saying “disco”, so beat box and dance. Choose your favourite everything and be ok with changing your mind. Try weird food. Put anything that fits up your nose. Open the CD tray on your computer as much as possible. Play skill testers. Buy lotto tickets too dream. Gamble $20 maximum. Prank people at any chance you can. Don’t follow Ashton what’s his name on twitter. Write on the furniture with pencil. Learn to touch type. Create wind tunnels in your car by winding down all the windows on the freeway for fun. Ride shopping trollies. Eat at the Ikea restaurant. Keep weird things in your glove box to surprise passengers. Do yoga as much as possible. Prank call as an adult. Get excited about everything you can. Take a sick day when you’re not sick. Get outside any chance you can. Drink alcohol. Throw a television off a balcony at least once in your life time. Don’t tidy your hotel room. Enjoy being rained on, your hair isn’t that important. Write letters to companies letting them know if you enjoy their products. Generally play with things. Wear costumes at any chance. Express yourself. Google Nikola Tesla. Avoid Russia. Break things in supermarkets from time to time. Put other peoples shoes on. Get comfortable being naked and go to a nude beach. Get a great tan by always wearing sunscreen. Bomby into pools. Take as many selfies as possible. Be ok with bad photos of yourself. Join Instagram. Honk your horn for no reason. Hide in your house and wait to scare your housemate, friends, lovers, parents or animals. Watch your pets when they don’t know you are looking. Sit on the washing machine whenever you can. Talk into fans. Unnecessarily push buttons. Learn to do a burn out and do rad skids on your push bike. Try and walk past dog parks. Get comfortable farting around people. Eat psyllium husk daily. Eat out of the jar or packet. Eat over the sink. Eat in the car. Dine in at fast food outlets. Go to Costco. Shower before bed. Jump on beds. Sms a stranger and see what comes back. Knock and run. Learn to cook eggs anyway. Quit smoking. Hoola hoop. Bounce any ball possible. Send good vibes out. Pray for your friends and family. Love the shit out of your lover. Lie when necessary. Avoid lying. Collect sea shells. Don’t kill bugs. Flick the lights on and off. Avoid Apple products. Whiteboards are for fun not for business. Eat potato. Write letters to people. Stamp things with stamps that aren’t supposed to be stamped. Learn things about stuff. Eat hummus. Don’t be a hater. Don’t rock the boat don’t rock the boat baby. Take as many pictures as possible. Buy a Voss water bottle for work and home and reuse it. Master glad wrap. Look after people. Get plastic surgery if you want to. If you don’t fit in jeans do everything you can to lose weight. Get dirty now and then. Avoid heroin. Don’t hate on iceberg lettuce. Have a whale of a time. Laugh. Don’t stress out about not enjoying life.
Please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments below.